Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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