5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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