; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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