I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
