I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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