i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
