I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize