i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
