He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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