Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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