mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
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