apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
