I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
