I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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