You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
