So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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