I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
