Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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