Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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