This is not my ceiling
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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