Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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