ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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