he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
