i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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