No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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