shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
