I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
