took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
