My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
