my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
