After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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