R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
