I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
