True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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