so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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