i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
