I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
