She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
