Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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