the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
