I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
