There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
