For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
