A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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