Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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