new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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