My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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