Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
