So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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