Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
