Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
