Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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