omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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