That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
