i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
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