When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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