I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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