I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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