Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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