I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
