I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
